There is a battle raging within me when I write with the end result in mind of readers praising my work. My rapacious and fearful ego jigs around in my head, denigrating each hard-earned, hard-worked para’ that appears on the screen.
My mind runs in circles. Use the thesaurus. Surely that’s not grammatical? For God’s sake you can’t write that it’s politically incorrect. You are so-00 ancient history! Another cliché, really! And the delete key runs hot.
The attachment to achieving validation is my central focus and it cripples me as a writer. I cannot write with you in mind, it is too hard. It fills me with fear that I will not live up to your expectations.
The authentic flow of expression comes only when I change the vision of the end result. When I write for the joy of writing. When I write intuitively – to please me, no one else.
Yes I have to be realistic about my work but editing can come once I have the words down on paper. If I start with the premise that my writing is not good enough then my subconscious will try to prove it every time I sit in front of the computer. But if I embrace a state of innocence, the joy of words and telling a story, without the pressure of wanting, or, trying to achieve, I can write freely. That’s when the good stuff happens.